Financial disagreements can take a toll on marriage. As a divorce financial analyst and a certified financial planner, I am in a unique position to see both sides of the argument. I work with people when they decide to divorce, and I also work with couples who want to address their financial issues and prevent blow-ups in the future. 

If you feel like money is at the root of your relationship problems, try these tips: 

1)   Set some ground rules. Don’t let money talks end in shouting matches.

• Devote a few minutes of uninterrupted time to discuss money each month.
• Agree to be fully present during these conversations.
• Agree to disagree.
• Talk about your needs rather than blame your partner. 

2)   Bring transparency into the relationship. There is often a feeling that the partner is not contributing their fair share or divulging all of their finances. This can lead to a sense of distrust and despair. 

Create a transparent financial picture. It can be as simple as sitting down and listing all of your expenses, income, debts and assets. Once you know how much money you have and where it is, make a joint plan to contribute toward your common goals.  

I can’t count how many times I have done this simple exercise with couples. It’s amazing how — even in long-term relationships — one partner is surprised to learn that the other has an old pension or a 401(k) plan.

3)   Find common ground. Remember that you each bring a unique attitude about money to the relationship. You will need to honor both of your needs. For example, you may have a need for financial independence. A compromise could be to put money into a joint bank account for household bills. Then, each partner pays their own personal expenses from a different account. This way, you are both contributing toward your joint goals and at the same time maintaining a sense of financial independence. 

Here’s how it might look: 

Household Bills                                                         $4,000/mo

(mortgage, groceries, medical expenses)

His expenses                                                              $325/mo

(gym membership, clothes, golfing)                          

Her expenses                                                             $350/mo

(personal care, clothes, wellness) 

4)   Discuss how to handle existing debt in a new relationship. It is not uncommon, especially in second marriages, to bring existing debt into a new relationship. This is something couples should discuss immediately.

Student loans are a classic example. Next to a mortgage, student loans are typically the biggest chunk of household debt. 

Let’s say Sheila has a lot of student loans. She has been chipping away at the balance for years without seeing much of a dent. Sheila is in a serious relationship with Jack, and they are considering expanding their family. It will be important for them to discuss in advance how to handle the student loan debt while Sheila is on maternity leave or stays at home even longer with their child. Jack will have to pick up the payments and may have to put his lifelong dream of starting a business on hold. Sheila and Jack need to have a good discussion now about how they will coordinate existing financial obligations with career and family plans.

Money really doesn’t have to be the root of a failed marriage. With a little planning and a lot of transparency you can make your financial story part of the overall story of success in your partnership. 

Mystified by money and want to improve your financial effectiveness? Denisa Tova CFP®, CDFA, MBA is a Colorado Springs-based Certified Financial Planner. Contact her at DenisaTova.com or email denisa.tova@gazette.com.